Day Four: Getting Lost

I am an all or nothing person when I’m into something. It’s another thing I’m working on. Sometimes it’s a great thing and allows me to be high performing and other times it leaves me feeling paralyzed by this weird fear that I’m not doing enough. If I’m into something I will lose myself in it. Hours, days, weeks, years will fly by. I will adjust everything in my life to support that thing. I will and have sacrificed myself for that thing.

I knew motherhood would be all-consuming, life-altering (obviously), absolutely frightening and a complete unknown. When Sefa arrived all those things were confirmed as well as a new type of love I still don’t know how to put into words and a drive to do basically anything that little dude needs. Leading my new ‘thing’ to be motherhood.

Before Sefa arrived I was 100% one of those people that would say stuff like “to be a good mom you have to take care of your self.’ While that is 100% true and I still believe it, babies need you, for everything. It’s awesome and exhausting work that is an honor to take on. Without a solid support system, it’s easy to get lost. Needless to say your girl is lost.

I knew that was the case but, man, I didn’t realize how far off I was until I took my before picture for the Renaissance Periodization Annual Challenge. My body is a crazy thing, it created (with some help from Dion) and carried my son, it went through labor being induced, that failing, then having an emergency c section, it has not slept much in basically a year, it tried its hardest to produce enough milk to feed my son and it has skipped working out to ensure that my son gets the best possible start in life. To be frank I have never seen my body look like this before and while that really sucked, what was the hardest to get over was the look on my face. It wasn’t me.

I had said I was going to enter the challenge meaning it half-heartedly but the second I saw the picture I was all in. I don’t want to be lost anymore and I need to start reclaiming myself… But don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to continue to do pretty much anything for Dion and Sefa, it’s just that now I need to be more mindful of myself.